What Lips my Lips Have Kissed
by FireSprite
Summary: **Edited 8/31/01** After Hogwarts... Ginny's life has changed, and not for the best. Drugs, booze, guys. Can Harry save her? Can she save herself?


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What Lips my Lips Have Kissed

By: FireSprite

Disclaimer: I own nothing! 

WHAT LIPS MY LIPS HAVE KISSED 

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What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, 

I have forgotten, and what arms have lain 

Under my head till morning; but the rain 

Is full of ghost tonight, that tap and sigh, 

Upon the glass and listen for reply; 

And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain 

For unremembered lads that not again 

Will turn to me at midnight with a cry. 

Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree, 

Nor know what birds have vanished one by one, 

Yet knows it boughs more silent than before; 

I cannot say what loves have come and gone; 

I only know what summer sang in me 

A little while, that in me sings no more. 

****

EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY (1892-1950) 

~ 

__

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ 

Ginny groaned and turned off the alarm. Rolling over she saw another nameless guy sleeping next to her. _Another faceless victim,_ she thought. Pushing his arm off her stomach, she sat up, and swayed. She rubbed her eyes, pulled back the covers and set her feet on the stone cold floor.

All too aware of her pounding headache, she got up and headed for the bathroom, anxious to get some water and aspirin into her. Her feet felt like lead as they shuffled across the floor.

Finally, she reached the bathroom in her small apartment. Grabbing the sink for support, she steadied herself, and looked into the mirror. A girl, no, a woman stared back at her, eyes hallow; face sunk; small mouth in a frown, that looked like she had worn it too much. Her red hair, now a dull orange, framed her pale face; her freckles almost invisible underneath the layers of make-up from the previous night. 

This was just a typical morning for Ginny. Waking up with a hangover or possibly sore from the nights drugs, some guy she didn't remember snoring loudly next to her; her eyes that used to shine so brightly, staring pitifully back at her, mocking the hell she had made her life into.

Pushing herself off the sink, not wanting to look anymore, she striped and stepped into the shower, turning on the burning hot water. Sinking onto the floor of the shower, she sobbed, wondering how she had let her life reach this point, thinking how it would never change; how she couldn't break out of her vicious cycle. 

Just a typical morning for Ginny. 

After what seemed like hours, Ginny got out of the shower, only to find her apartment empty again. All alone, once more. Didn't she ever learn that everything guys said were false? They didn't care about her; they were just trying to get laid. But she was usually so drunk or high she didn't even care what they looked like, as long as they promised to fill that empty hole in her heart, if at least for one night. 

Heading over to the dresser, ignoring the piles of clothes on her floor, her messed up bed and all the pills scattered across her dresser, she pulled out a faded pair of jeans and a tank top. Putting them on, she was aware of how underweight she looked. She simply wasn't hungry anymore. Food didn't interest her. Why did she need it if she could just get drunk? But she'd have to be hungry today, as she was meeting Ron and Harry for lunch. Ron would make her eat, saying he'd tell Mum of what she was up to all these nights, and she didn't want that to happen. Her mum would probably come rushing over here and make her leave all her friends, the only people in her life that half-way understood what she was going through. 

She brushed her hair, unenthusiastically, and pushed it behind her ears. Grabbing her purse and her cloak she set off for her lunch meeting as it was already twelve. 

~

Harry watched her weave her way through the tables in the restaurant. _God, what had she done to herself? She looked so... so ghostly! Like she was dead or dying... she probably **was**... _He added. Looking up she saw him in the far corner, all alone. Her brow furrowed in confusion before she sat down, making a loud **clunk** on the metal chair. 

'Where's Ron?' she asked, looking around to see if he was up at the bar or something. 

''Moine problems,' he said. Her mouth made a little _o_ of understanding, before looking down at the menu, allowing her hair to cover her face. Her hair, no longer red, was dull and faded, he noticed. She did look really sick. Her body was basically a skeleton; he could se her rib bones through her thin black tank top. 'Gin... what the hell have you done to yourself?' he asked, before he could stop himself. _STUPID STUPID! _He thought, scolding his impulsiveness,_ Great now she probably won't even talk to me._

Her head had snapped up, and she had looked at him carefully, wondering why he had asked such a question. She answered the only way she could answer, the way she answered everyone except Ron. She shrugged. Taking a sip of her cola through the straw, she answered simply. 

'I don't know what you're talking about Harry.' 

'Oh come on!' Harry said, in frustration, 'you look like you've been to hell and back!' he said, half way between a whisper and a shout. She flinched, visibly. Then her eyes narrowed, closing off all access to her soul. 

'Maybe I have,' she replied, curtly, 'it's not like you've been there.' That caused Harry to grimace, knowing it was true. But, who could blame him for having to leave for Auror camp; for trying to rid the world of the last remaining evil, even if it meant turning his back on what he considered his family? Then to the waiter, who had just arrived, Ginny said, 'I'll have a Caesar salad, not too much dressing, please. And a glass of water.' 

'Same,' Harry said to the hovering waiter, who at the moment was being partially annoying. He nodded, returned with the food and left soon enough, leaving Harry and Ginny, alone once again. 

Ginny plucked her purse from the ground, and started rummaging through the contents, avoiding Harry's piercing gaze. Finally she came up with a package of cigarettes. Flicking one out, she lit up, and let out a puff of smoke. Harry grabbed the cigarette and ground it into the table. 'You shouldn't smoke. It's gonna kill you!' he said, very angry now. One of his friends was basically killing herself in front of him and he felt as if he could do nothing. Ginny gave him a sour look and picked up her water. She fiddled with the glass, looking the closest to nervous she had looked since she arrived. What Harry didn't know, was that she was anxious to get out of here, and not only because Harry was sitting there, giving her a stormy look. 

~

Ginny looked around. _Damn!_ This place reminded her so much of Rory. _Rory._ The name echoed in the back of her head, reminding her of her first love, her only love. He had been poison to her, being the one responsible of showing her this path, the shortcut to life, the one that was killing her. Booze, drugs, guys. He had been the holder of keys. Rory. He had died, years ago, but Ginny still couldn't forget him. Overdose, as if that was his last heed to her. 

__

'Don't do this Ginny, it'll kill you!' That had been his message to her, and ironically, the last words he had spoken to her that fateful night, so long ago. As if he had died, trying to save her from this hell she called life.

But instead she had thrown herself more deeply into the ring of fire, where no one could escape. Guy after guy hadn't replace Rory, trying to drown her sorrow in booze wasn't working too well either. But those little white pills on her dresser, they had given her relief, for at least some time, before they too turned into the black poison she felt everyday. She sighed and looked at Harry. He was watching her play of emotions on her face, as if it was some sort of black humour movie. 

'Gin... I want to help,' he said, softly. She sighed again, this time sharper. 

'So does everyone else, Harry,' she said, her hands fidgeting again. _Damn, she needed a cigarette! But smoking in here wouldn't be good. Harry would get mad once again. That boy seemed to have a short temper, _She mused, remembering how he had blown up, finding her near death in an suicide attempt she had tried right after Rory's funeral.

Which, incidentally, she hadn't been allowed to go to. That had broken her heart. His parents had thought it was her fault their son was dead, so they had refused point-blank to allow her access to say one final good bye to the man she loved so dearly. 

'You may **want** to help, Harry,' she said, stressing the want, 'but that doesn't mean _I_ want it.' She spoke through her clenched teeth. Harry looked at her, eyes only visible through narrow slits. She couldn't read his face; it just stared at back at her. Harry grabbed her hands, trying to stop them from fidgeting. 

'Ginny... listen. How can you do this to yourself, everyday? Don't you realise you're only pushing away those who love you?' 

'No one loves me! No one except Rory!' she spat out, trying to shake off Harry's hands, which hung on tightly. 

'That's not true! You have a whole family who is worried about you! Hermione and I are worried too; can't you see that they, and us, are very _very_ upset about what you're doing to yourself? _Why?_ Why must you do this all?' 

'If you must know why,' Ginny said, once again through clenched teeth, 'I'm trying to forget this hell that surrounds me.' She ripped her hands out of Harry's grip and stood up grabbing at her purse. Fumbling through its contents she produced a few worn bills, which were thrown onto the table with vengeance. 

'What hell?' Harry asked, now also standing up. Putting her purse onto her shoulder she glared at him and walked out of the restaurant, leaving her unfinished salad and a very confused Harry. 

~

Ginny got home nine hours later and immediately grabbed at the pills. Downing ten in a row, she sighed and sank onto the bed. _Please..._ She prayed, _Please... just let these pills work for me tonight! I need to get through one more night... I swear I'll change... I really will. _

But if God had heard her, he chose not to listen to her prayers. He knew, as she did, that these were all just a bunch of tangled lies she had spun over the years. Her head nodded, getting heavier by the moment, she felt as if her neck couldn't support it anymore. Tears ran down her worn cheeks, and pooled on her cracked lips. She ran her hands over her face, wishing away all the hurt and pain. She pulled at her hair, welcoming the pain, the only fact that showed she was alive. And as she was about fall back onto the bed a small knock came at the door. Twice, someone rapped. Sighing she stood up, noticing the pills were starting to work, she felt better... more complete. Shuffling to the door, she opened it a crack and peered into the darkness, looking at the man standing there. 

'Gin...' it was Harry; 'can I come in?' His voice was oddly husky, as though he had been talking for a long time. 

'Of course you can!' she said, in a voice so unlike her own. 'Come sit! Stay a while! Grab a chair and so forth.' She stood aside and allowed Harry to pass her into her apartment. 

'Have you been drinking?' he questioned, casting a glance over at her. 'No...' he decided after a moment of studying her profile 'You're high. Goddamit Ginny! What do I have to do to get you to stop this! You'll end up dead!' Ginny made a snorting noise and sat on her bed. 

'What do you have to do? Why nothing, Harry, darling. I'm perfectly fine, handling things on mine own, quite nicely, I think,' she suddenly found this extremely funny and started laughing out loud. A high, empty laugh. 

'You are **not** doing fine on your own!' Harry spat out, his anger getting the best of him, 'you're lonely! You can't stand the darkness or the emptiness.' Ginny abruptly stopped laughing and her face shut down. 

'Get out Harry,' she said in a whisper, her brown eyes misting over with unshed tears. 'I don't want you or need you. Now out!' she said, pointing to the door. He didn't move, he just stood there, waiting, trying to figure out what her next move was. But she didn't have one, so she just stayed there, pointing at the door, making a jabbing motion everyone in a while, to stress her point that she wanted him gone. He slowly walked up to her, and sat down. Laying a hand on hers, he whispered in her ear. 

'Would you like me to stay?' he asked, 'I can make sure you don't do anything stupid... I don't want you dead in the morning,' he said, sounding very sincere and nice. Ginny turned to look at him. Her mind was buzzing underneath all the layers of drugs. She was finding it hard to think, to get her mouth to move right, trying to find the words. She felt like a frustrated two-year-old. Finally she managed to clear her head a bit. 

'That'd... be... nice, Harry,' she said, slowly. He smiled and hugged her. She breathed in the comfortable smell that was _so_ Harry and sighed. 

'I'm glad,' he said, when they broke contact, 'It shows you trust me enough.' 

'I do trust you Harry,' she said, nodding. Lifting her face, her almond brown eyes gazed into his deep green ones. 'I like to trust you, I find it very easy,' she said, laying her head in his chest. He stroked her hair, sighing deeply. 

'Why don't we get you to sleep, OK?' he said, standing up. She looked at him like a scared five-year-old. 'Don't worry, I'll be right next to you all night,' he added hastily, guessing at why she looked so forlorn. She smiled, he had guessed right. Laying back on the bed, she allowed him to cover her with the blankets, while he settled down besides her, on top of the covers.

She nestled her head into the pillow and smiled at Harry, before closing her eyes, and falling into a restful sleep. Harry watched her sleeping, thinking of the long talk he had had with Ron. Ron had confided in Harry what had been going on with Ginny_. How could any one be so sad_? He wondered, as he looked down upon her, _How could anything suck the life out of the once bubbling Ginny I knew?_ Harry shook his head; he felt like he was cheating her, but he had to know what she was going through if he was to help her. He now felt he could help her, and in the morning that was exactly what he planned to do. But first she needed her sleep. So he smiled and rested his head onto the other pillow, wondering if she would except his help this time. 

~

Ginny woke up to an empty bed. _No! Harry said he'd stay! Where is he?_ She looked around, searching for anything that belonged to him. _Nothing! Not a thing! He'd left her! Just like every other guy! _

She got up quickly and felt the side affects of the pills immediately. Her stomach felt like it had been pierced. Her head felt as if it were about to explode; her legs refused to work. She felt scared, and alone. Suddenly, her legs gave way and she doubled over onto the floor. She cried, silently. _I can't go through with this! I can't! It's not worth it! Nothing is worth this!_

She stood up shakily, not entirely trusting her legs to support her. Her mind ran wild. Looking over at her mirror, she saw herself standing there, laughing at her and she cracked. She grabbed her wand; shot out green sparks at her double and smashed the mirror. The frame crashed to the floor. She ran to her dresser and wiped the pills onto the floor with a cry. The scattered everywhere. She pulled out the drawers of the dresser, and threw the clothes everywhere. A pillow exploded to her right and a window slammed shut. Falling to the floor, she reached for her wand with trembling fingers. She finally turned it towards herself. 

__

'Avada Kadavra.' She whispered, shakily. She screamed as the rushing sound filled her ears, and the green light blinded her. She fell heavily on the floor; her eyes closed in peace. 

Harry ran into the bedroom, the smell of pancakes wafting in from behind him. He had been making breakfast, remembering how a younger Ginny used to say she felt like a princess when she had breakfast in bed. Dropping the oven mitts at the site of her unmoving body, he ran to her side. 

'Ginny!' he cried, 'No! You couldn't have!' 

But she had. 

****

End. 


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